5 days ago
‘An abomination': I tested Tesco's birthday cake sandwich
It is shaping up to be the summer of the sweet sandwich.
First M&S launched its strawberries and cream 'dessert' sarnie, and now Tesco has followed up with a birthday cake sandwich.
Celebrating the 30th anniversary of the introduction of the Clubcard, the sandwich apparently took Tesco's development staff nine months to create. The supermarket is showing its confidence in the product by making it available in 1,000 stores for four weeks.
Inspired by the Victoria sponge, the £3 sandwich contains cream cheese icing, strawberry jam, rainbow sprinkles and vanilla frosting slapped in a 'brioche-style' bread.
Not everyone is impressed when our sandwich arrives.
'The WI are the ultimate arbiters of the Victoria sponge and they'd throw that out in an instant,' scoffs Andrew Baker, a Telegraph editor and author of Cake: A Slice Of British Life.
'A Victoria sponge is a plain sponge, jam and maybe a bit of cream. Cream cheese? Vanilla frosting? Disgusting.'
Thankfully, as The Telegraph 's unofficial meal deal correspondent and resident sweet tooth, I am quite used to having my lunch labelled 'disgusting'.
I'd never hold an expert opinion against anything I eat, especially when Tesco promises 'an all-time favourite treat, in an all-time favourite deal!'
What could possibly go wrong?
Unlike the thick wodge M&S presented a few months ago, Tesco's sweet treat is the same size and shape as a regular supermarket sarnie. The brioche-style bread is slightly yellow and springy to the touch, a bit like the bouncy castle at the children's party where this sandwich might feasibly be served.
The whole thing looks like an inverted Simpsons' doughnut.
The first bite is simultaneously the driest and wettest thing I've ever eaten. That brioche bread has been cunningly formulated to be so dry and tasteless that one can't help but be reminded of every disappointing birthday they've experienced in their adult life.
The cream cheese, on the other hand, is of the claggy variety, and the jam far too sweet. The concoction fills your mouth and clogs your senses. I felt like a character in one of those horror movie prequels who ingests some mysterious black goo and finds it consuming from them the inside out. The best part? Surprisingly, the sprinkles, which at least added an interestingly gritty texture.
Suffice to say it's nutritionally questionable, and by the time I reached the end I felt I'd been blasted back in time to my sixth birthday party, where I ate so much cake I spent the whole evening throwing up. I wanted water, both to remove the taste and to wash away the shame of eating it.
Truly, an abomination.
If you find yourself wondering how it could possibly have taken the boffins in Tesco's food labs nine months to create this sandwich, I'd point you to the ingredients list, which contains a lengthy list of ingredients ranging from spirit vinegar to spirulina extract. Yum.
Having attended plenty of 30th birthdays recently, I feel hugely qualified when I tell you this is an invite you should turn down with maximum prejudice.
